Consumers of South West England. It has come to our attention that a recalcitrant few in your region are continuing to cling to a redundant identity.
These people are sick and suffering from identity confusion. The ex-identity -Cornish- is an outdated impediment to progress and has been scheduled for deletion. Those consumers that refuse to let it go are standing in the way of our long and illustrious march towards consumer homogeneity. Remember! Less difference means simpler marketing and easier consumption.
Let us all pray together for the day when Starbucks, Pizza Hut, Witherspoons, McDonalds and other temples of homogeneous consumption can be found in every consumer cluster.
The process of erasing the Cornish identity is well under way now and has been proceeding via various paths. For example: The promotion of Devonwall, South West Region, West Country and other zones of central scrutinisation. The inclusion of Cornwall within the South West Euro-zone of central scrutinisation. The re-branding of older constitutional arrangements -Duchy / Stannaries- as having never really existed. The removal of the adjective -Cornish- to be replaced with nothing or, if necessary, just Cornwall. No more Cornish people just Cornwall people. This being promoted at all possible opportunities by the BBC and other servants of central scrutiny. We understand that the removal of your redundant identity, like the removal of an infected appendix, is not without pain, but always remember- difference breeds dissent!
Recently we have seen misguided consumers objecting to the latest steps towards Devonwall- the plans to create a Devonwall parliamentary constituency. Your identity is not your concern. Your political representation is not your concern. Your range of choice is NOT YOUR CONCERN. In the modern world we have consultants to deal with such inconveniences. Leave these difficult and troubling questions to our multitude of well paid experts. Similarity leads to simpler scrutiny for us, simpler marketing for companies and a quieter life for you.
To all ex-Cornish people. Get with the programme! You are now consumers of England (that is to say Great Britain). Join with us and rejoice. Soon people across the UK (that is to say England) will all be one and the difficulties of difference will have come to an end.
Brought to you by LibLabCon -the establishment party- currently having cheap sex with a trader in the toilet of a swanky City wine bar somewhere.